From here, it starts with a test. Of course it started awhile before the test. But I wasn’t nearly as motivated to write as I am now, test in front of me. So for you, the test is where we’ll begin. It’s a strange beginning but I felt like I needed to begin somewhere and I’m hoping that by seeing change in me I’ll be able to capture the beauty of a journey God is putting my husband and me on. I’m already aware that this journey is often misunderstood and for that reason, I’m hoping to bring as much clarity as possible. This is for our sake, but even more, but the sake of the person we are about to fall in love with.
10 years ago I lived my life tangled in some big mistakes. I was admitted into a mental hospital with several diagnoses when I was 16 years old. It’s been a treacherous path learning to heal from the things that brought me to that place – healing from deliberate planning on my part, and also healing in unexpected places, most concrete of all, my marriage. These things are now a part of me now and I felt happy to embrace them. Mostly because I was happy with my (and JD’s) current assessment of what the Lord has done in me and that was really all I needed. Now I need to prove those things to the state of Texas, and it’s causing me a little nausea.
My test is on Wednesday with no options to back out. While I’m certain I’m healthy, this is causing me to wonder what wellness even looks like. What does it mean to be whole? What does it mean to not be a slave to things you remember? Am I really living in victory? Is it okay to have scars? Is it okay that they take longer than you might think to heal? And while all these things are coming at me, I’m really hoping the doctor will just jump past my speculations, and slide beyond his predilections and simply tell me that I’m well…. And I’m well enough to work through my own musings, and know I can do the them in the safety of a sound mind. And while I don’t want to fake healthy, and I don’t feel like I have to – I’m torn between wanting to put my best foot forward, and wondering how debilitating that position really is.