Much to my deepest regret, I lived my entire teenage life in rebellion. Dark rebellion. Not the fringe Christian rebellion where you still revolve around church people who hold you in high esteem for being ‘progressive,’ but the isolating, despairing, freakish rebellion that cost me many friendships, opportunities and worse – imparted deeply twisted and perverted ideas of love.
After years of analyzing and questioning why – and then more years of just turning away in disgust (both methods provide NO time for anything other than ‘me’) and finally, I think I’ve settled into a knowledge of quiet contentedness.
In the beginning what I really wanted was to know why. And after knowing why, I wanted to know how to live in spite of my knowledge. ‘Why?’ seemed like a big question – I was afraid of what the answer might really be. And once I was armed with my answer, what I be happier? Or would it cause even more misery?
I found the beginning of my answer in C.S. Lewis’ novel, “‘Til We Have Faces” And the discovery has been a huge comfort:
“When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, you’ll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face until we have faces?’
I learned that my entire life, I was asking the wrong question. I was trying to make sense of my life, with sin being the inflection of my sentence. Trying to explain, and find comfort in an understanding of ‘wrong’ simply produces more wrong. And lonliness. And nothing. I laid down my question of ‘Why?’ and I started asking the question of ‘Who?”
Jesus gave me freedom to lay down my search – and He gave me what I ultimately wanted. Beauty for Ashes. Rather than becoming a path of understanding and enlightenment, healing was only a simple exchange. My burden for His love. I gave Him ‘Why?’ and He gave me ‘Yes.’