Rose Lemonade

Bitter becomes beauty again…

Coming Clean. August 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — RoseLemonade @ 12:23 am

Wow.  I have been wanting and wanting to write for the longest time… and was somehow unable.  The reason?  I’ve been… well… sad.  Confused?  Maybe a little depression thrown in.  Basically the opposite of everything I thought would happen after I made the announcement that JD and I were adopting a child.

The funny thing is – I’m no good at keeping secrets.  I don’t like when things are in the dark.  I thought it would be a huge relief, burden lifted and joyous occasion when I let the world in on our new endeavor.  Instead I’m feeling… I’m not really sure.  But maybe I shouldn’t try to explain that… or you’ll just get more adjectives.  With no real connection.  🙂

I started this blog with the desire to help educate my family and friends about what we were doing, and why we were doing it.  In a large part, I’ve barely even begun to break ground in that area but I think I might have missed something important.  Before I make efforts to relate people to my child, I think I need to make efforts to relate them to me.

I am thrilled about what we’re doing – It’s what I’ve been wanting to do my whole life, and I feel like it’s the greatest opportunity we’ve ever been given.  What thrills me even more is that JD is twice as excited as I am.  He’s solid when I waver, completely dedicated to what, he is certain, is the best investment we can make.  But maybe I should have mentioned something else.  Something more along the line of, I feel scared.

Yes, I’m apprehensive that my child will probably not connect with me immediately.  I’m also nervous that I’m going to have to go into the deepest parts of their suffering and sit there, quietly waiting for them to open up.  I’m afraid that I will fail them, misinterpret, misrepresent Christ – and I’m terrified that in the end I may very well feel that all of our efforts have been fruitless and our child will walk away from us.   By God’s grace, I’m able to keep all of this in balance knowing that God called us to this place.  And He will equip us.  And He is the one who changes hearts.  God has given me, through His provision, a lens through which I’ve been able to process all of this without being mastered by fear.  I truly feel free.

I know, I said above that I was scared.  And I am.  But what scares me most, more than any other thing is being misunderstood and passed over.  Not by my child – by those “observing.”

All my life I felt as though I was on trial – being judged.  I can not escape it and for some reason (either God’s been giving healing in *very* micro-doses, I haven’t made myself available to receive healing, or who knows what) it seems to be the driving force of whatever I do.  Will I be good enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Am I smart compared to this person?  And why in the world does everybody do a better job than me?  I’m fairly certain everyone is aware of my shortcomings, and I’m even more certain that when I leave the room it quickly becomes the main topic of conversation.  Ah – I know this is ridiculous.  I’m prone to repeating that to myself again and again.  But somehow it’s always true, it’s always taking root in every new endeavor.  Including this one.

I am quickly realizing that this mindset needs to die.  If I’m ever going to convince someone that their past doesn’t matter, and if I’m ever going to risk looking ridiculous because of an ever-present handicap, it needs to happen now; or, I will have nothing genuine to offer to my child.  Because genuine change never happens in private.  It needs to be tested and even exploited.  I want to walk in security before God and men, knowing that I have the approval of those from whom it is REALLY required.

I guess I’m saying all this for a few reasons.  Partly because I genuinely like confession.  Which is an odd thing, for someone who seeks so much approval from people, I’m awfully quick to point out my flaws.  Maybe I like to hide behind them, so when I feel bad I can point to it and say, “See?”  But the main reason I’m saying it though, is because I’m feeling that while people want to have something to relate to me about, I’m hearing a lot of stories about adoptions gone awry.   I didn’t expect it to throw me the way it has…but it has.  And while I always enjoy hearing about other people’s stories, and I just enjoy talking with people about “life” in general, I’m realizing that this is not proving to be a “timely” word to me right now.  I completely understand that most people (including myself before we started this whole process) have no frame of reference on which to anchor their opinions about adoption.  It’s not a very common thing, and adopting out of foster care is even less common.  Not only that, shouldn’t people my age really be adopting infants?  I mean, it does seem to be a more natural fit.  And what we’re doing seems, well, unnatural (on many levels).   But regardless, it’s part of what defines me now.  And while I love questions over coffee (even those ones that might seem weird and overly personal) and I DEFINITELY don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me, I think I’m learning that at this point in my life that I need to guard my heart.  I’m so thankful for your prayers because I definitely do expect some really hard realities things as a result of our adoption and knowing that you are praying helps me determine who I can relate to, because I feel like a big swollen object that people stare at and muse over but don’t really know what to do with.  I’m struggling through the feelings of isolation.

I hope I’m not conveying anything inappropriate – actually the reason I hadn’t written (I see it clearer now) is that I was maybe too afraid to just come out and tell people what I really needed in this time in my life.  I was afraid it would be too large a request, and it might even come off as a rebuke which is not what I’m intending.  Maybe I’m just letting people know that I understand that this is different, and I understand that it’s probably really difficult to see where I’m coming from. So, being in this place where the Lord called us, right now prayer and really positive encouragement is what would be so greatly appreciated right now, I guess I’m wanting to let you in on a little secret about how to make my world a whole lot brighter – and might make you a place of refuge as a kindred spirit.


9 Responses to “Coming Clean.”

  1. Nancy Maley Says:

    God is certainly stretching you, but the reason He is doing so is because you and JD have made yourselves so available to Him and His will. Just remember that He WILL equip you for what He has asked of you. It is so awesome to me that you both are so willing to rescue a child from a life of misery. I am so proud of you both and I love you so much.

  2. Krysten Says:

    Wow Chrissy,
    I so appreciate your honesty, your openness, and being so transparent for others to see God working in your life. It is an honor to keep you in prayer lifting you up before our precious heavenly father that is willing to go before us in all things. Your utmost love for Him and your deep desire to be more like Him first and foremost shines through. Thank you for being a blessing to me and I will most certainly continue to lift you and JD up in prayer.

  3. megan Says:

    thank you for sharing Chrissy. i appreciate your complete honesty and vulnerability. i find it amazing that someone so incredible would struggle so much with insecurity because i think you are so talented and have so much to offer. but, i think many of us are really a lot more insecure than we let on. i love the way you described it…someone who is so quick to point out their flaws enjoys confession so much. i’m right there with you. i want the honesty and vulnerability and to throw off the shackles of images and pretense but i’m very afraid of being rejected and ridiculed. but, the only place for us to find that true freedom is to be open and honest about who we really are; then the Lord is Lord and not us or some image. you are doing it all beautifully, even though you may not feel you are. and, your fears for parenting are very valid. they are good concerns because they will keep you at the feet of Christ, looking to Him alone for direction and wisdom, and trusting Him for the future. none of us receive a guarantee with our children, so it’s best that we just pray and pray some more and seek wisdom and trust God for His work in their lives. you are in my prayers. you can do this! your child is going to be blessed beyond measure and you will be too. you are already blessing many others through this journey.

  4. Sarah R. Says:

    Have you read anything by Francis Chan? I just finished reading “Crazy Love” and in it he talks about how following the Spirit’s calling in your life (which usually results in “radical” decisions) may lead other people to think you are being to “crazy.”
    Your honesty is refreshing. I struggle constantly with comparing myself to other people as well as questioning every day (because that is how often i mess up) why God trusted me with these children. But I am learning to see that this is the beauty of the gospel in the messyness of every day life. That because I know I am imperfect and weak I MUST trust God. That in the midst of my sin and messyness I can practice (and model) humility and repentance.
    God has ordered your steps before He created the world! He has a beautiful, perfect plan in which He uses your imperfections and fear to show you who He is.
    I continue to pray for you both on this journey.

  5. JD Says:

    Thank you all for your encouraging comments. They mean a lot to us. I’m super excited about this adoption even though there are so many unknowns, because God has given me total peace and excitement about it after I seriously had been praying about it – so I know He will work everything out.

    I’m just thankful that during our short time here on Earth we get to rescue some people from Hell, by God’s providence and grace, and demonstrate Christ’s love toward them in little ways too, so they can be adopted into God’s family just like we were. I can’t wait to get to Heaven and see how God used us to glorify His name and draw attention to His matchless beauty and unimaginably awesome love.

    James 5:20 – “he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”

    Ministry makes you come alive, for real!!! There’s nothing better. Raising a family is no exception. I highly recommend trying a little ministry out in your life, if you aren’t already doing it. I regret not doing personal ministry sooner. Even just doing lunch once a month with a friend or youth who needs a mentor will do amazing things in your heart. Or go over to the nursing home and cheer some people up. And pray over the news as you read or watch all the bad stuff they cover.

    So many people are lost and need a friend who cares enough to look out for their soul, tell them the Gospel, tell them the truth about what they need to change, and share about how Jesus changed their heart and gave them assurance of eternity with Him.

    We are victorious in Christ, we have nothing to fear, and we have every reason to rejoice at ALL times! Nothing but our own fear of man is stopping us from boldly, lovingly share the good news with our neighbors, family and friends. May we repent of our fear of man, seek only God’s approval, and start living victoriously! Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

  6. Cari Says:

    JD and Chrissy,
    I am so excited for you both!!! Adoption is always and exciting adventure. God will always be riding the rollercoaster ride beside you. 🙂

    Chrissy, healing is a slow process that cannot be observed by the naked eye. It will probably be down the road and you will look back and be amazed at what God has done. 🙂

    You are LOVED!


  7. Summer Says:

    I’ve been praying for you guys since I found out about your adoption. Becoming a parent is kind of scary but God is in control. He knows your child. He knows both of you. His heart is for blessing not for cursing. He won’t abandon you or your child. He will be with you every step and give you everything you need to be a Christ-like mom.
    I’m really excited and happy for you guys. This is going to be an amazing time in your lives. I can’t wait for you to meet your precious child!

  8. Susan Says:

    Thank you so much for sharing Chrissy and for your honesty. It is hard to share but I am encouraged to hear your heart. I am so excited for you and JD. Praying!

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