So I didn’t want to publically mention that we had another “potential” coming. Maybe because I felt like it was strange to throw everyone on my roller coaster ride with me because if I mentioned it, I would need to follow up with the eventual “No, it didn’t work out this time…” follow-up post. But, I like being open – actually, I have a hard time operating any other way. My falseness turns into guilt and lonliness pretty quickly. Anyway, right before we left for Philadelphia we got a call about a baby who was due to be born on January 10. In a frenzy of excitement, we submitted our profile book to Saima (caseworker) and began to pray. I felt strangely unfettered emotionally – maybe because I had been through this a few times before, and potentially because I was so busy packing for Philadelphia, and dealing with whatever sickness (that is still lurking) I had going on that was keeping me out of work. But in all honesty, I had hoped that I was able to remain at peace because I had developed more noble characteristics in that past months – namely, patience. And patience always bears fruit. And I wondered if the fruit might be children… Anyway, that’s what was going on in my mind.
Today is my last day living with my Mom and Oma (grandmother) in Philly. I needed these extra “bonus days” (thanks to the blizzard) to rest and process some things, so I was thankful to have them. But some weird mix of anger, annoyance and despair had been steadily creeping into my heart and attitude all day long, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Until my Mom and I were rearranging my, now empty, newly-married sister’s bedroom and I burst into tears (Mom’s have a stealthy way of bringing these emotions to surface just by being present, something I really miss, not having her so close to me all the time). I learned that what I thought was patience was really just busyness, and what I thought was contentment was just happiness to be temporarily away from the situation.
Thankfully, she quickly diffused the situation (another uncanny “mom” gifting) and prayed with me about the situation. God started showing me something about the allure of patient people. Those beautiful, radiant people – both friends and acquaintances I wish were friends – I am blessed to cross paths with daily. They are calm, speak in the most melodic tones.. and have radiant eyes. Because they are happy – and from looking at them, you’d think they don’t have many reasons to be. And yet – there it is. Beauty. I love these people. And I’m thinking that I need to put down the attachment and bonding books for a moment and beg the Lord to give me a patient heart. And now I wish I would have thought of that before I left on this trip – I would have gotten through a lot easier… and maybe had something richer to offer the people I met with. But He is merciful and I’m happy knowing it’s probably a reason He brought me here. So maybe now I have something to bring back home.