So I didn’t want to publically mention that we had another “potential” coming. Maybe because I felt like it was strange to throw everyone on my roller coaster ride with me because if I mentioned it, I would need to follow up with the eventual “No, it didn’t work out this time…” follow-up post. But, I like being open – actually, I have a hard time operating any other way. My falseness turns into guilt and lonliness pretty quickly. Anyway, right before we left for Philadelphia we got a call about a baby who was due to be born on January 10. In a frenzy of excitement, we submitted our profile book to Saima (caseworker) and began to pray. I felt strangely unfettered emotionally – maybe because I had been through this a few times before, and potentially because I was so busy packing for Philadelphia, and dealing with whatever sickness (that is still lurking) I had going on that was keeping me out of work. But in all honesty, I had hoped that I was able to remain at peace because I had developed more noble characteristics in that past months – namely, patience. And patience always bears fruit. And I wondered if the fruit might be children… Anyway, that’s what was going on in my mind.
Today is my last day living with my Mom and Oma (grandmother) in Philly. I needed these extra “bonus days” (thanks to the blizzard) to rest and process some things, so I was thankful to have them. But some weird mix of anger, annoyance and despair had been steadily creeping into my heart and attitude all day long, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Until my Mom and I were rearranging my, now empty, newly-married sister’s bedroom and I burst into tears (Mom’s have a stealthy way of bringing these emotions to surface just by being present, something I really miss, not having her so close to me all the time). I learned that what I thought was patience was really just busyness, and what I thought was contentment was just happiness to be temporarily away from the situation.
Thankfully, she quickly diffused the situation (another uncanny “mom” gifting) and prayed with me about the situation. God started showing me something about the allure of patient people. Those beautiful, radiant people – both friends and acquaintances I wish were friends – I am blessed to cross paths with daily. They are calm, speak in the most melodic tones.. and have radiant eyes. Because they are happy – and from looking at them, you’d think they don’t have many reasons to be. And yet – there it is. Beauty. I love these people. And I’m thinking that I need to put down the attachment and bonding books for a moment and beg the Lord to give me a patient heart. And now I wish I would have thought of that before I left on this trip – I would have gotten through a lot easier… and maybe had something richer to offer the people I met with. But He is merciful and I’m happy knowing it’s probably a reason He brought me here. So maybe now I have something to bring back home.
Rose Lemonade 
I think God is made much of by your open book-ness.
Thanks for sharing this, Chrissy. We’re all on this roller coaster ride together! If it helps, I went through this crazy season after Caleb was born when I felt like nothing was “working” and I felt like I should have spent more time before he was born really learning about babies and reading parenting books and stuff. So I started doing all that to try to “catch up,” but it was just stressing me out cause my baby didn’t match. Then the Lord, in His patience, showed me that what I had really needed to do all along was pray and trust Him to teach me how to be a mom. Not that the books are bad, mind you, but I was trying to trust them first instead of Jesus. Anyway, read them, don’t read them, however He leads you, but know that we’re all figuring out this crazy thing together with Him and He’s so patient with us! You’re a blessing!
I love how you describe the effects of Mom’s. Still praying for you hon!
Somehow your postings always bring tears to my eyes because I seem to think a lot like you 😉
First of all I must say what an incredible blessing your mom is to you and it was such and encouragement to hear how she just stopped and prayed with you – Treasure that so much b/c I don’t have that truly I have yearned for it at times.
The waiting is sometimes the hardest part – I think partly because you know that God has called you and JD to this certain path and all things are a go and then there seems to be a desert time where it seems like all things are in a “holding pattern” and we must just wait. Certainly not easy but the abundance of joy and blessings He will give to us are unfathomable – even though for me it is hard to remember the things God has promised us during those times. My prayers will remain with you on this journey!!
Just think, one day all of those “mom” qualities you are praising so much in your own mother, you will be to someone else. I am SUPER excited for you guys, and am having – in a way much inferior to yours, of course – a hard time waiting to find out who your child(ren) will be. Yet there’s nothing like waiting, knowing that God is preparing the perfect one(s). Love you, friend!
I love you sweet sister!
Praying for you during this time, and any time you need prayer :O)
HUGS!
i am bad at patience. really bad. i recently read a devotional by corrie ten boom that said that we are mirror, if we are focused on Jesus then we reflect Him. if we are focused on anything else, even our faith (is my faith strong enough? do i have enough faith? etc.) then the mirror shifts and we are just reflecting ourselves again. that really encouraged me, that when i am striving to “do better” at one of the fruits of the Spirit, i really should be looking at Jesus and less at myself.
praying with you through this roller-coaster time. it is part of God’s story of faithfulness in your life, and he is ALWAYS good. lots of love!